Academischmischen Report No. 43: The Vikkkings

It is a dark and stormy day, the storm blows her around the corner to the entrance of the University of New Hebrides. She slides along the wall in the darkness without being noticed, and sits on the edge of a decrepit chair made of beautiful gray driftwood. A peculiar appearance - a combination of a Bavarian sausage maker and a bad doctored amateur actor is standing infront of a just as peculiar audience and he says whit a lisping voice "Ich bin Dr. dr. dr. Donald Von Rossen und ich wil sprechen abouttt tche Weiking Cultur und tche importenz of tche great heubling Mogenz und sein frau Sanne die hübche inthe invaaasion unt pillagering of the Scottish east cost.. " He turns away from the audience and try to get the toupe straight on the head, when he hear a sonorous voice " You are an imposter Dr. dr. dr. Donald Von Rossen aka Dr. Delerius aka Dr. Dx aka ....fuck we dont have time for this". The bavarian saugage-actor lifts a shaking finger and point at the owner of the sonorus voice and shout "And you are Billy Bob Karpeth from Mather University in Alabama ....a black porn manuscript writher disguised
as a Argentinian fisherman...aharrrr!". He pulls a gun out from his toupé and shuts madly around in the room and back out of a hidden dor. She follows the trail of disguise rekvisits, toupe, hair, moustache, woodenleg, sausages and an annoying carpet pisser called Chanel. She finds him resting on a rock by the shore gasphing after air. She grabs him from behind around the neck. He screams and try to get her hands of. "I recognize the smell of cat- horseshit and wipped cream -Diabolic Dianna- the most feared assassin in the underworld....ohhh no...I´m a dead man". The wawes breaks on the rocky cost and drown his hysterical screams.

Idyll aff det Chieftains

A hideous noise invades the smoky bedroom of the Chieftain and Chieftainess, Mogens & Susanne. 

"Vetdefeck??"  enquires Mogens.

"Och it's just a Heavy Metal Waltz Band", sez the Laedy Sanne.  "They are the latest thing."

"Ho hum", says Mogens, turning over in their smoky bed, disturbing an entire family of rats who until that point had been snuggling and snoering about his feet.  And with that he rolled a great rock down on the musicians, horribly dispatching several French Horn players and forty accordianistas, so leaving just a couple of guitarists, a drummer and a bass-player.

"Wait a minute," shouted the lead guitarist,  "Fecking rock, and roll it down on us, that gives me an idea!"

..... " Laedy Sanne, would you mind going down on us?"

"Sanne," said the Great One-Armed Magnificent Chieftain, contemplatively picking his nose, " Vat day is it?"

"Vy," she replied, "It's Thorsday.  It's ALWAYS Thorsday, that's why life is so Fucking confusing in the North Lands of the Vikings, and why ve never get the Veekend off!"

The Vikings Prepare to Launch their Attack on Unsuspecting Skottland!

Det Laedy Sannes haire ver longue an tvisty lik de hauvser affen michty boote ven it iss kommen tir harvor throw mist en magicall vapoors, ent it had alzo bits aff zeeveed stikken twit.  Seven times seven virgens vir in attendance to the Laedy, mind severall hadde medikal leave fur to be at det STD Klinik.

Suetti hir handes vir from net vashin ent bjiffy der legges frim boote-vearink alle dag en nichty.  Nae spjit leaft she apon de glasse ven trinken, zeein der glessen var schmachen in fjierd-plasse direkt.

Vjan sangeren she, luk-vas vinders brakken an dougs van madde howlen doon straaten!  Vitte vandrivvers var knowen tir ringeren de djor-beltt en runnar aaavag leften nejet paercellen.

Aff souch var de Laedy vet leaften Ejsberg det dag met de Magus Chiftian Mogens de van-Harmpit furtig brunk maihemp tjo de Vest!

The EJSBERG Saga

The Ejsberg Saga

En dag ven de worl war round, en Ejsberg faire civitas livvetet en Viking fierze Laedy Sanne, whoe sey to hir hoosbend, “Viking Mogens, vy net ve gofer en bitte oef pillagering etk, it bin en langen timvat ve net doe enni pillagering?”

“Jesus”, rispondant Mogens (vat ver chewink lumpen oet aff en Bibble atte de tempos, fuggit) – “Kent doe zee am Viking bussi? Ent ennivag, vir haes ti bilt en langerboot et vil takken vikks.”

Viking Sanne replietet tir Mogens, “Verrily tho ijk kenns en vierdo persoena en laedle islant noet faer til de Vest vat ken maekoos en boet. He haes van raeady, tho ets en foenni shaep – ijk sodden et in Fassboek”.

Susanne Dyrholm 20 January at 14:19

Hoevding Mogens Helgrim denken groendig and said to den fair and weldressed, fierze and at f...lot more, skjoenmoe Sanne. "I do not ride the wawes in a billig copy longboat from skotland ...a freekin skotda boat - mad woman!".

"Den you swim ut and pillage" She said and throw the hatchet at him.

One arm Mogens and his skjoenmoe Hatchet Sanne token en ferry longboat to the skotland in the far west and after a little detour to a green isle becourse of a storm, where they kjoebte a toende wisky for the boatman Donnie Halfgrim. Half drunk with a half toende wisky they sat foot on the misty and rocky coast of skotland and celebrated the good boattour with a quik fistfight.

Susanne Dyrholm 20 January 16:17

It is a dark and stormful night, it allways is, when 'dass geschtalt' from the horrible creatur materialize its self in me and forces me to admit, as she says, my sins. Shaking I put the ink pen on the paper, close my eyes and will loose let 'her' lead my hand. In the beginning words come hesitant and searching. Her english is rodden as usual, but then it goes, more or less floating in broken Denglish, over stock and stone. When she is finish I will be dead tired, even I'm barely conscious during the séance. Now the words stumble to get on the paper and I se the little light there is in the dark room fade out.

THE BEGINNING. Its in the beginning everything goes wrong. She just dont understand how much the fact that a little mistake like 'underestimating the female attraction' could lead to such a disaster. But it did, and now she stands, bloody from head to toe, chubbing up The postman. "Why dident I buy a red dress". Bad habbit talking to myself - gotta stop it, she thinks. The dress and the Prada shoes was ment for Dr. Dx but it was probaly overdone since The postman, when he delivered the message from Frida, wanted tips even Frida payed him big cash, and jumped her like a duck in spring. Delayed by the accident she runs to the shower to get rid of the blood and ten minutes after she is cleaned, dressed and ready to continue. "Dr. Dx - I'll get the showel under you any minute now" She whispers trough the teeths when she drives to the airport.